


How the light gets in

by tinyarmedtrex



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Aged Up, Idiots in Love, M/M, Post break up reunion, alive ones who do the same, dead parents who still make life difficult, frustrating Ronan, lonely Adam, post college
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-05-18 10:04:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14850713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyarmedtrex/pseuds/tinyarmedtrex
Summary: Adam had fought him. For weeks. He’s tried to tell Ronan how wrong he was, how they belonged together, how much Adam loved him.And Ronan had just watched, watched as Adam poured his heart out, watched as he held back tears. Never responding with anything more than a small nod.Adam is back in town for his dad's funeral and can't seem to avoid Ronan. Not that he's trying too hard.





	1. Chapter 1

Adam parked his rental car outside of his shitty motel and sat, staring at the crumbling facade. He didn’t want to be there. So far, none of this had felt real. It felt like a dream, or like it was happening to someone else. But going into his hotel room would make it real. It meant he was actually home and that he had to deal with it. 

He sighed, forcing himself to get out of the car and grab his overnight bag. He looked around the city he had grown up in, seeing new chain restaurants and old gas stations. Some things never changed. 

Adam hadn’t been to Virginia for nearly six years, since the summer after his freshman year of college. He hadn’t had a reason to return. 

Until now.

His dad had passed away and his mom called him, begging him to come back for the funeral. Eventually, Adam had reluctantly agreed. He was back for her, not him. And maybe for himself, to get some closure in the whole shitshow that was their relationship. 

Now, he had a passable relationship with his mom. They had started talking on the phone occasionally when he was in college, when she could get away from his dad. He had never, and probably would never, forgive her for taking his side but he didn’t want to lose out on a relationship with his only parent. 

So, after much cajoling, he had agreed to come back. He’d be here for the funeral and would be on a flight back to DC the morning after. Barely more than 48 hours. Longer than he wanted to spend here but it was what his mom had requested. He would mainly be with family, it should be fine. 

As long as he could avoid a certain someone. Adam glanced around, somehow worried that thinking about him would make Ronan appear. 

Hopefully, he wouldn’t even hear that he was back. Adam’s jaw tightened as he thought about Ronan. The first person he had loved. The first person to break his heart. 

He was the reason Adam had stayed away. When Adam came back from college, 19 and excited to spend the summer with his boyfriend, Ronan had broken up with him the first day. He had given Adam some bullshit speech about how they weren’t good together. How Ronan didn’t want to do this long distance thing. 

And Adam had fought him. For weeks. He’s tried to tell Ronan how wrong he was, how they belonged together, how much Adam  _ loved  _ him. 

And Ronan had just watched, watched as Adam poured his heart out, watched as he held back tears. Never responding with anything more than a small nod.  

Finally Adam had given up. Fuck him. If Ronan didn’t want to fight for him then Adam wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to be the desperate one. They hadn’t talked since. Not really. For a few months their friends tried to get them back together but Ronan had a habit of disappearing whenever that happened. Eventually their friends stopped and the two never talked again.

It wasn’t that Adam was mad anymore, he had gotten over it. He’d dated other people. But he knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that he and Ronan could never be just friends. It wasn’t in Adam’s nature to be friends with an ex, nor in Ronan’s to try to make things less awkward.  It was easier for everyone if they just didn’t talk. 

He sighed and finally walked up to his room. It was exactly as terrible as he had hoped. It smelled vaguely of cigarettes and mold and everything was a little damp. He hated it and couldn’t wait to leave.

Perfect. Adam didn’t want any incentive to stay longer.

He fell on the bed, intending to take a nap before he met his mom for dinner. He didn’t know what he was going to say to her. She was finally free, though she didn’t see it that way. She didn’t know what to do with herself now, after years of living under his thumb she was shattered and lost. Adam was contemplating asking her to move back to DC with him, so he could watch over her. Part of him hoped he could repair their relationship, but most of him knew it wouldn’t happen. He had too much anger and resentment. From everything.

He had just closed his eyes when his phone rang. Gansey, of course.

“Hello?” Adam asked, sitting up and looking at the terrible puke green walls. 

“How are you holding up?” It was Blue. Adam wasn’t surprised that she had called from his phone, she was always losing hers and grabbing his. Luckily, Gansey was as in love with her as he had been in high school, maybe even more. Her and Gansey had gotten married out of college, much to everyone’s surprise, and were the strongest couple Adam knew. 

“As well as can be expected.” He answered, picking at a loose thread in the bed spread. 

“We can still come.” She and Gansey had offered to fly to out. They lived in Philadelphia, a relatively short drive from Adam. The friends saw each other almost every month and spoke on the phone often. Noah and Henry had ended up in NY so he saw them often too. Ronan had self selected to be more cut off. 

“I’m fine.” And he was. Or he would be. He wanted to do this alone. It was easier. He didn’t want Gansey’s pitying looks or Blue’s knowing questions. As much as he loved them he just wanted the next few days to pass quickly and quietly. 

“If you’re sure.” 

“I am. But thank you.” And he meant it, it meant a lot to him to know that they were willing to drop everything and come for him. 

Blue paused and Adam knew she was trying to say something. 

“Out with it.” He prodded.

“Ronan knows.” She said, her tone apologetic. Adam’s hands curled into fists. He had specifically asked them not to tell Ronan. He didn’t need things to be any more complicated.

“We didn’t say anything!” She hastened to add. “It was in the paper and he called us.” 

Of course his mom would put it in the paper. That was what she was supposed to do. And heaven forbid they stop keeping up appearances now.

“Oh.” Was all Adam said. 

“We told him not to contact you.”

Adam scoffed. “I’m sure he loved that.” 

He could hear her smile. “He had some choice words for Gansey. But he agreed.” 

Good. Adam wanted to say. But he didn’t. Blue was still friends with Ronan, as much as anyone could be friends with him. She occasionally caught Adam up on his life, when he was drunk and insisted on it. It wasn’t healthy but he couldn’t help it. He loved hearing how the farm was doing, and if Ronan was dating anyone new. The answer to the second question always seemed to be no, unless Blue was keeping something from him. 

Adam didn’t say anything so Blue spoke again. “We all love you Adam. Call me after the funeral?”  

“Sure.” He said. They hung up after and Adam finally got his nap.

\----

The funeral was as awful as he expected. An excess of empty words about a man he was eager to forget. It was a waste of time and flowers. At least he wasn’t expected to deliver a speech. He sat stoically by his mom, hands folded in his lap while she cried on his shoulder. 

Their talk last night had gone poorly. He asked her about moving to DC, she tried to convince him to move home for a few months, to help her. He explained that his job wouldn’t allow that.  He worked for a lobbying group. It wasn’t a job he loved but one he was proud of. She didn’t understand, telling him that she needed him. 

The funeral ended and the small group stood. They were going to his aunt’s house for food and exchanging stories about him. Adam was dreading it. 

He accepted some hugs from family, trying not to sneer at their comments and placations. They weren’t bad people, he reminded himself, most of them didn’t know. It didn’t make him feel better to remember that. They should have noticed, they could have, if they had cared enough. He wanted to leave. 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw someone watching him. A shadowed figure leaning against a tree and occasionally drinking from a flask. He gave his uncle one last small nod and excused himself. 

Adam’s jaw tightened as he walked over. “You’re like the fucking grim reaper over here Lynch.” He commented once he was close enough to not yell.

Ronan stepped out of the shadows, watching Adam carefully. Adam tried to stop his heart rate from speeding up as he looked at his former boyfriend. 

Ronan looked good, unfairly so. He had grown out of all of his teen awkwardness and was now solid, with broad shoulders and lean arms. He wasn’t bulky or overly muscular but he was fit, unsurprising since he still worked on the farm. His had grown his hair out, still short but not shaved anymore. It nearly touched his ears. Adam looked at his eyes. They hadn’t changed, they still had that hungry, angry look. He still looked ready to fight at a moment’s notice, his posture was defensive and off putting. Some things never changed. 

Adam didn't know if Ronan had finally given up his black tank tops or if he had dressed up for today. He was in a black button up with a skinny purple tie, complete with black slacks. Adam bit back a joke about Gansey dressing him. He couldn’t imagine Ronan picking out anything with color in it. 

But it had been years. Maybe Ronan had branched out. Maybe he wore grays and purples now. Anything could have happened, he wouldn’t know. 

Adam processed all this before Ronan opened his mouth to reply. Once he did Adam’s heart really sped up, he had always loved Ronan’s gruff voice. “If i was the grim reaper that fucker would have been dead decades ago.” It was a response only Ronan would give. Adam had missed his angry wit. His over the top truthfulness. It had been his favorite thing about Ronan. He never lied. He thought it was a waste of time.

“What are you doing here?” Adam asked, uninterested in playing Ronan’s game. 

“I’m here for you Parrish.” That honesty again. 

“Why?” Adam’s voice was harsh. He let his anger and accent bleed through. He didn’t owe Ronan politeness, he certainly wouldn’t get it in return..

Adam watched as Ronan’s jaw worked, trying to think of a response. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Well I am.” Adam said harshly. “Thanks for fucking checking.” He turned away but felt a hand on his arm. He looked back and Ronan had closed the distance between them. He was looking down at his hand like he was surprised by his own action.

“Have dinner with me.” It was a cross between a question and a command. Ronan’s eyes flitted up to Adam’s and he remembered all the reasons he had fallen in love with Ronan. He wanted to say no, he should say no. He had a semi- boyfriend in DC. He didn’t owe Ronan anything. And it was stupid to open this door. 

Ronan seemed to sense what he was thinking. “It’s better than being with your family. Promise.”

“That’s not a high bar.” 

Ronan let out a quick, sharp laugh. One that Adam had missed. He nodded. “You’re right. And I definitely beat it.” 

Adam already knew his answer. He had known it when he had walked over to Ronan. 

“As long as you’re paying.” 

Adam was rewarded with a smile from Ronan, a real one that flashed on his face before disappearing. 

“Great, I know a place. I’ll text you the address.” 

Adam could feel Ronan’s eyes on him as he walked away, wondering what the hell he thought he was doing. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did I bring condoms and lube for my dad’s funeral?” Adam teased. “No, I didn’t think of that for some reason.”

“I thought you were told not to contact me.” Adam commented, drinking his beer. The restaurant Ronan had picked was fancier than Adam had expected, with exposed beams and a handwritten farm to table story on one wall. He would call it hipster if such a thing existed in small town Virginia.  

He was still in his suit, though he had left the jacket and tie in the car. He had rolled the sleeves up and undone a few buttons, trying to make himself as comfortable as he could in this uncomfortable situation. It helped, some. 

Ronan had somehow already changed. Adam assumed he had the clothes in his car. He was in a black shirt and jeans. Adam couldn’t help but notice how good he looked. He didn’t want to notice but his eyes were drawn to the column of Ronan’s neck, to how his biceps moved under his sleeves. He was sure that Ronan noticed, and had possibly even worn the slightly too tight shirt on purpose. 

“I didn’t.” He said, smirking. “Technically you contacted me. I was just hanging out under a tree.” Ronan also took a drink of his beer and Adam had to look away as his Adam’s apple bobbed.

Ronan had arrived first - Adam had to sit in the parking lot, explaining to his mom why he wasn’t coming to eat bland potato salad with his judgemental family- and had ordered them some appetizers and drinks. Normally Adam wasn’t a beer person but it felt like an appropriate send off for his terrible father. 

A smile escaped Adam at Ronan’s answer. Leave it to him to find a way around a promise. Adam picked up a piece of bruschetta, chewing slowly while he thought of a response. He wanted this to be weird. He wanted to be angry. He was owed that much. 

But when he searched for the anger it wasn’t there. Anger was an emotional that Adam was comfortable with, wearing it and weariness almost like a second skin. He felt like he was constantly in some state of it- annoyed that sometime had gone wrong, prideful of his hard work, pissed that someone had forgotten a deadline. But he didn’t feel it now. Instead he was enjoying himself.  As much as he didn’t want to admit it, it was easy to be with Ronan, to fall back in their strange flirtatious conversations. Even after all these years they still had an easy repertoire, something Adam rarely found in other people. Not that he often bothered to look. 

Instead of responding to Ronan he changed the subject, commenting on the food. “All of this is really good. When did this place open?”

Ronan smirked briefly before answering. “About a year ago.”

“This town needed some decent food.” Coming home had been a surprise, it was more developed than it used to be. A lot of small tourist shops had opened it, trying to attract visitors. This restaurant must be an extension of that boom.

“Glad you like it.” 

Adam was about to ask why when a waiter appeared, taking their orders. With the easy, casual topics covered the two fell into silence. Ronan was carefully watching Adam.

“You look good.” Ronan said in a way only Ronan could. Plainly but with layer upon layer of intent hidden in it. 

Adam fought a blush as he shrugged. “DC air, everyone knows how good pollution is for the skin.”

Ronan shook his head. “No Parrish. You finally look healthy. Is someone feeding you out there?” 

Adam knew what he was asking, what that question really meant. He could tease Ronan about it but found that he wanted Ronan to know the real answer. “It’s just me and a cat.” 

Ronan liked that response, his lips curled into a smile. “So you finally learned to take care of yourself?” 

“I guess so.” Adam shrugged. “What about you? Is there a Mr. Ronan Lynch yet?” He knew the answer but wanted to hear Ronan say it. 

He shook his head. “No one ever quite measured up to my high school boyfriend.”

Adam wanted to be flattered but the offhand comment annoyed him. “Maybe you shouldn’t have broken up with him then.” 

Ronan flinched from Adam’s tone but nodded, watching Adam carefully. “Maybe.” 

What a frustratingly Ronan answer. It told Adam nothing but also left it to him to reply. Ronan was a master at it and Adam hated it.

What he hated even more was how Ronan was observing him. He seemed to be taking in all of Adam’s features, appreciating them slowly and without embarrassment. Adam fought a blush over the naked desire in Ronan’s eyes. He also fought the urge to leap over the table and smash his mouth to Ronan’s. Some things never changed, he wanted Ronan as much now as he had five years ago. And he was pretty sure Ronan felt the same as his eyes moved from Adam’s eyes, dragging down his neck and shoulder and eventually landing on his hands. 

Ronan had always loved Adam’s hands. Something he never understood. He had loved to play with them, hold them, kiss them. Just remember Ronan’s lips pressed to his palm made the back of his neck heat up. Ronan had been his first in so many ways and Adam knew he was lucky to have been with someone who loved him so much. It almost made him want to forgive Ronan for breaking things off. Almost. 

“How did he die?” Ronan asked. Adam realized they had been silent for a few minutes, both observing the other, taking in the new appearances and making note of what hadn’t changed.  

“Heart attack.”

“Better than he deserved.” 

Adam shrugged. He didn’t want to talk about this. Ronan’s hand reached across the small table and lightly touched Adam’s. He flinched but didn’t move as Ronan’s hand covered his. 

“What are you doing?” Adam asked honestly. 

“Comforting you. Is it working?”

As much as he hated to admit it having Ronan’s hand over his was nice. Ronan ran hot, both in temper and temperature and Adam was constantly cold. He had loved being next to Ronan, his own personal furnace. He had always felt relaxed when his back was pressed to Ronan’s chest, Ronan’s arm wrapped around him. The memory stirred up more emotions then he wanted to admit. 

Adam nodded. “Annoyingly, yes.” He wondered if Ronan knew how much he was effecting Adam. Just having Ronan touch him again made Adam crazy. His thumb was moving over the back of Adam’s hand and he so badly wanted Ronan’s hand to keep moving, up his arm, to his mouth, his chin. He wanted Ronan to touch him all over. 

Ronan’s tongue darted out, wetting his bottom lip while he smirked at Adam and Adam had his answer- of course he knew. But then he watched as Ronan shifted uncomfortably and realized, with some pride, that he wasn’t the only one who was turned on. Good, at least they were both suffering. 

Ronan opened his mouth, about to respond, when their food came. He removed his hand and Adam found he missed it. They ate quietly, Adam again commenting on how good the food was and Ronan grunting his agreement. It was an odd evening but Adam liked it. He appreciated the silence that Ronan provided. He had always been good about leaving Adam to his own thoughts, letting him work things out without demanding he explain things. 

Ronan insisted on paying and they left, walking out to the parking lot together. “When do you leave?” Ronan asked when they got to Adam’s rental.

“Tomorrow.”

Ronan nodded and turned to leave. This time Adam’s hand shot out and Ronan turned to look at him. “That’s it? You’re just going to walk away?” He asked, annoyed.

“What do you want me to do?” Ronan replied, gruffly but Adam could tell he was actually asking, he wanted to know what Adam wanted, he’d follow Adam’s lead, like always. Ronan had always wanted Adam to take the first step, make the first move. It was another thing Adam had appreciated about Ronan. Though, now, he wished it wasn’t up to him.

“I don’t want you to leave.” Adam said, surprisingly himself. Then, not giving Ronan a chance to utter a snarky reply Adam kissed Ronan, hard.

Ronan was surprised at first but then his hands shot out to the back of Adam’s head, pulling him closer and refusing to let him go. Adam pushed Ronan against his car, slotting their bodies together. Ronan’s lips parted and Adam dove in, kissing him recklessly. His hands were on the small of Ronan’s back, playing with his shirt tail. 

He had missed this. Ronan never did anything half assed, kissing included. He kissed like he was the only thing he could do. He was intense and passionate and held nothing back. His hands wound in Adam’s hair and Adam knew that no one could kiss like Ronan. 

Ronan broke the kiss and started to move down Adam’s neck, leaving wet hungry marks down to his collarbone. He stopped at the junction of his neck and shoulder and sucked. Adam’s head fell into Ronan’s neck as he groaned. “Fuck.” He said quietly, rubbing against Ronan. He felt like a teenager, making out in a parking lot, but he didn’t care. Having Ronan’s lips on him again was like coming home and he didn’t want it to stop.

Eventually Ronan released his skin, Adam could feel a bruise forming and knew it would be dark and ugly tomorrow. Their lips met again, still fevered and passionate. Adam wanted more. He could tell Ronan did too, his tight jeans were straining.

“Ronan,” Adam broke the kiss and looked at him. “My motel is ten minutes away. Come back with me.” 

Ronan didn’t hesitate. “Yes.” 

Adam quickly gave him the address then got in his car, his body thrumming as he drove. He knew he should be talking himself out of this but by the time he parked he only wanted it more. Ronan was right behind him and Adam waited as he got out of his car, wondering if Ronan was having second thoughts.

Ronan strode over over and kissed Adam again, his hand curling around Adam’s cheek. Question answered.

Adam and Ronan worked their way up to Adam’s room, making out and touching each other wherever they could. Adam briefly worried about people seeing them but decided that anyone who frequented this hotel was probably used to ignoring the sights. 

“What a shithole.” Ronan commented as Adam opened the door.

“Does that matter right now?” Adam turned to Ronan, catching his lips in a long, heated kiss.

“No.” Ronan replied, pulling off Adam’s shirt and his own. Adam took in Ronan’s form, definitely more muscle and less lanky than last time Adam had seen him. He loved it, running his fingertips over Ronan’s abs and chest. Ronan keened into him, quiet grunts escaping his mouth as Adam’s hands moved. He could see the edges of Ronan’s tattoo spilling over his shoulders. He used to love tracing it with his fingers, following a line until it ended then picking another. Ronan had loved to tease him that he was Theseus, trapped in a maze where Ronan was the minotaur. He never read into it but now he briefly wondered at Ronan’s ease of making himself the monster and Adam the captured hero.

Before the thought fully formed, Ronan gently pushed Adam on the bed. All thoughts fled from Adam as Ronan landed on top of him and began grinding into him. A low moan escaped from Adam’s throat as he felt Ronan against him, his knee between Adam’s legs to provide some much needed friction.

“Fuck Parrish, I missed that noise.” Ronan told him, his hands teasing Adam’s nipples. Adam’s hands gripped Ronan’s back, his blunt nails probably leaving marks as he pulled Ronan even closer.

“Well whose fault is that?” Adam asked, unable to stop the jab.

“Mine. All mine.” Ronan agreed as his mouth began moving down, teasing him with hot kisses and licks, occasionally pausing to suck on Adam’s skin, leaving a dark welt behind.

Adam had missed this. Missed being kissed and touched by Ronan. He had always been aggressive in bed, wanting to take charge to ensure that Adam felt good. The years hadn’t changed that and Adam let Ronan move how he wanted, unable to object. Now, his kisses were more practiced, and his tongue seemed more sure as it swirled around his nipple. Adam pushed the questions of why that was out of his head.

Ronan’s hand was undoing his pants, playing with the elastic on his boxers. “Do you have…” Ronan trailed off, looking up at Adam. Adam nearly dragged Ronan back up to him to kiss him. His eyes were dark and blown out, his lips wet and parted. He looked fucking gorgeous. 

“Did I bring condoms and lube for my dad’s funeral?” Adam teased. “No, I didn’t think of that for some reason.”

“Ha Ha.” Ronan smirked. “Fine, we’ll make do.” With a smooth gesture he moved, pulling off Adam’s pants and boxers. It left him in his socks, which Adam would have complained about if Ronan hadn’t then taken Adam in his mouth, moving his mouth slowly over Adam’s erection. 

“Fuck! Ronan.” Adam gritted out, trying not to thrust as Ronan’s nose touched his stomach. Ronan’s eyes were on him as he moved back up, watching Adam grip the bed sheets and throw his head back. 

Ronan’s hand cupped Adam’s balls, lightly squeezing them. He let out a whimper as Ronan’s tongue swirled on his head, licking his slit. Normally, Adam would have been embarrassed by the noises he was making, sounding so needy and undone, but he couldn’t bring himself to care right now. Especially as Ronan’s mouth slid back down, taking all of him in again. Ronan kept teasing Adam, moving slowly or removing his mouth to just lick one strip down the underside of his painfully hard erection. 

“Yes, yes,” He panted and Ronan took him in his mouth again and started to move faster, done with the teasing. As he hollowed his mouth Adam knew he was done for. “I’m going to come.” He warned Ronan, just in time for him to remove his mouth. Adam seized as he felt the bliss of an orgasm roll through him, his cum covering his thigh and Ronan’s hand. 

“Oh fuck.” He panted again, coming down for his high. “Shit Ronan.” 

Ronan was watching him, clearly pleased with himself. “God Parrish, don’t you get laid in DC?” 

“Shut up and let me take care of you.” He pulled Ronan down on top of him, kissing him again. Ronan grunted but kissed him back, messy and joyously.  Adam’s hand snaked into Ronan’s pants, undoing the button and grabbing him. Ronan moaned into his mouth and Adam’s dick gave a half hearted twitch in response. 

Precum was already dripping off Ronan and Adam used it to lubricate his hand as he slid up it up and down. He knew Ronan was close, could tell by how he was thrust into Adam’s hand, not really paying attention to their kisses anymore. Ronan buried his head in Adam’s neck, biting him as he came, cum spilling over Adam’s hand.

“I think you’re the one not getting any.” Adam quipped as he withdrew his hand. 

“Shut up Parrish.” He said without any heat, not moving off Adam. Adam resisted the urge to nuzzle him, settling on enjoying Ronan on top of him, their sweaty bodies touching. 

When Ronan did move a few minutes later it was abrupt. He stood up, pulling his pants off and going into the bathroom. Adam wasn’t sure what to do so he waited for Ronan to return, sleepy and sated. 

Ronan came back with a damp towel. “Not sure this will make you any cleaner. This place is disgusting.” He sat down, carefully wiping the cum off Adam’s leg and hand before cleaning himself. 

“What do you care?” He asked quietly. He didn’t mean to say it but it had slipped out. Being with Ronan against reminded him why they weren’t together, about the closure that Adam never got. 

Ronan’s eyes fixed on him, his jaw tightened. “I care.” 

Adam scoffed and words rolled out of his mouth. “You don’t  _ get  _ to care now. Not after years of not talking to me. That’s not how it works.”  The anger that had been nowhere at dinner now made an appearance. It bubbled in his chest and his eyes narrowed. 

Ronan stood, throwing the towel down and pulling his clothes back on. “I never stopped caring Parrish. Just because we weren’t together doesn’t mean I didn’t care.”

“Could have fucking fooled me.” Adam said, sitting up and watching as Ronan pulled on his boots. 

Ronan glared at him. “Fuck you. You don’t know anything.”

“Because you never told me anything!” He said, his voice louder than he intended. 

Ronan didn’t respond, he just walked to the door. He turned his head once he opened it, “Good to see you again. Sorry about your dad.” He said before walking through and slamming it, making the wall rattle slightly.

“Well fuck you too.” Adam fell back on the bed, pissed at Ronan but mostly at himself. He knew what it meant to be with Ronan. He was the most closed off person Adam had ever met, it was exhausting to be with him and to try and chip down that wall. It wasn’t worth it, Adam told himself as he fell asleep, thinking of Ronan’s mouth on his. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys. I swear.  
> Thanks for the comments on chap 1! I'm glad people are excited! I love break up/getting back together fics. All that delicious drama.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam pinched his nose. “Not everything is about you Lynch.”
> 
> A small smirk escaped his lips before he scowled again. “No but most things are.”

An hour later Adam’s phone started ringing. He woke up and scrambled for his phone, hoping that the caller was a specific person who was well known for hating cell phones. 

He looked at the caller ID and exhaled, trying not to be disappointed that it was his mom. 

“Hey,” He answered, letting himself fall back on the bed. 

“Adam.” Her voice was tight and quiet, like she was worried about being overheard. And, Adam supposed, part of her probably still was. For decades she had to be careful about what she said, how she said it. It wasn’t an easy habit to break, speaking like you constantly had something to apologize for. Adam sympathized, he still fell into it occasionally. “Can you come to the house? Please? I need your help.”

He stiffened. When she had asked before he told her that he wouldn’t come out. Ever. It held too many bad memories and very few happy ones. He didn’t need the reminder of what his life had been. She had seemed disappointed but seemed to understand. He had been clear and wasn’t happy that she was asking again. 

“Why?” 

She paused, probably hearing the frustration in his tone. Her survival had depended on reading small mood changes and tones. He felt bad for making her feel that way but reminded himself that it wasn’t his fault. It was the man that they had buried. Who was now causing problems from beyond the grave. 

“Adam, please. The lawyers are saying… things. I’m lost. I need your help. Please.” It was as close to begging as she would get. He knew she didn’t want to ask him for help, she had told him that she wanted to try and be independent, a new endeavor. 

“What are they saying? Can’t you tell me over the phone?” He was tired. It had been an exhausting day, by several measures of the word, and he just wanted to watch TV and sleep. 

“No, I don’t understand what they’re asking me. They’re saying he owed money and I don’t know how that’s possible.” She was starting to sound stressed, worried. 

He sighed, unsurprised that his dad would owe someone money. He didn’t want to get involved but he couldn’t leave her alone. It wasn’t fair to her.  “Fine. Let’s meet at a restaurant. How about in an hour?” He didn’t want to eat but he did want a drink.

It wasn’t what she wanted but she understood that he was trying.  

Adam showed up first, ordering a rum and coke while he waited. She came in shortly after him, looking anxious. She hurried over to him, a folder clutched in her arms.

“Adam they’re saying we owe money. Thousands of dollars. I don’t understand.” She said in lieu of a hello. She put the folder down and started wringing her hands. She looked so concerned that Adam nearly reached out to pat her arm. But he resisted and she continued, explaining that the lawyers were saying they owed back taxes and that his dad had promised people money. She never been allowed to look at their finances, she had no idea how much money they had or owed. His dad had given her weekly money for groceries, for everything else she was kept in the dark. 

“I don’t want to lose the house Adam, it’s all I have.” She said as she finished, pushing the folder over to him. “Can you look all this over? Please? You were always so smart. I don't understand any of it.”

His drink came and he resisted drinking all of it immediately, instead opening the folder and seeing crumpled receipts, some handwritten, and old bank statements. Alone, they didn’t mean much to him but they did paint a picture of his dad’s finance habits.

He sighed, looking at his mom. Her face was pinched and she was watching him with worried eyes.  “Mom, some of this is a decade old. Don’t you have more recent things?” 

“They’re all in the house. Somewhere.” Her voice was quiet. She knew what she was asking. “Please Adam. Stay just a few more days. I need help.” It was impossible to miss the desperation. She had never been on her own before, never had to figure things out. He had controlled every part of her life and without him she was lost. Adam pitied her, knowing how overwhelming everything had to be for her. She was a victim too, he reminded himself. 

So, against his better judgement, he nodded. “I’ll stay.”

A few tears fell down her cheeks as she nodded gratefully. “Thank you Adam.” 

He took a breath before the next sentence. “I’ll come out tomorrow and help you, okay?” Going out to the house was the last thing he wanted but it was the only way to find what he needed. He could try to ask her to look but she already looking like she was barely holding it together. She wouldn’t be able to do this. 

She nodded again, reaching out slowly and patting his forearm. “You’re a good son.” 

He looked at her, not knowing if that was true. Wouldn’t a good son have gotten her out? Have insisted that she leave? He didn’t do any of that, he just abandoned her, running away and not looking back. Guilt washed over him. He didn’t usually let himself think about his family, his mom especially but he knew he needed to help now or he’d never forgive himself. 

When he didn’t respond she started to put everything back in the folder, handing it to him. “You keep all this, lord knows I can’t make heads or tails of it.” She stood, looking at him again. “You’re becoming quite the young man Adam. I’m proud of you.” She seemed to want to add more but didn’t, instead patting his hand once more before leaving.

He watched her go and sighed, taking the opportunity to finish his drink. He’d stay for a week. No more. It should be enough time to help her, and hopefully short enough to avoid other people. 

He threw some money on the table and left. If he was exhausted before now he was weary. Every muscle protested as he walked to his car, demanding that he sleep. He drove to the hotel and fell into his bed, falling asleep before his overactive brain could analyse the day. 

When he woke the next morning the first thing he did was call his job and ask for more time off, then called to change his flight. Next he texted Blue, letting her know that he was staying. He didn’t tell her about Ronan. He wasn’t sure he wanted her to know. Then he showered, trying to steel himself to head out to the house. He was breaking one of his cardinal rules but he couldn’t leave his mom to handle this alone. 

He picked up bagels and coffee before driving to the house. Once he was there he sat in the driveway, staring at the front door and trying to make himself go in.  _ He’s dead _ , Adam reminded himself.  _ He can’t hurt you anymore _ . 

It didn’t help. All Adam could see was his high school self trying to catch a dish before it fell so it wouldn’t make any noise, trying to slip past him unnoticed, slipping out a window to hide. His hand started to tremble as he remembered what he had gone through in the house.

He nearly called Blue then. Just to talk to someone about it. But she wasn’t the person he wanted to talk to. The only one who knew the whole story was Ronan, who Adam had told over many late nights while he was curled up, safe in his arms. Adam almost resented it now, his inability to think about his dad without being reminded how amazing Ronan had been. He had tried to push him into therapy but Adam refused, not willing to talk to a stranger about it. He had never regretted that until now. 

His fingers itched to call Ronan. Which was ridiculous, especially after how they had left things. He shook his head, he couldn’t call Ronan.  

Instead he focused on what he could do. Which was get out of the car and go in. 

He went to the front door and knocked. His mom answered, looking slightly surprised that he had actually come. He handed her the food and looked around the house, trying not to drown in his memories. 

“I’m so glad you came.” She said, watching him.

“I’m not.” He replied honestly. Very little had changed since he was last there, the tattered remains of his old life.

“I’ll be in the office.” He said when she didn’t say anything else. He walked, looking around his childhood home dispassionately. It was all painful and cold. He passed his old room and looked in. It was filled with storage boxes, piled high over his bed and dresser. He resisted the urge to walk in, to pick up his old possessions, knowing it would only bring back worse memories.

He went into the office, where an ancient computer sat on an even older desk. He found an empty box and started putting papers in it, putting anything that looked slightly relevant in. He would sort them later, in his motel room with a stiff drink. He didn’t let himself think about what he was doing. All he did was open drawers and grab papers. 

Even that took several hours and when he was done he had three boxes. He had debated about looking on the computer but decided that his dad wasn’t really an e-record type of person. This should be enough to  see if the lawyers were telling the truth. 

“Mom?” He called, carrying two of the boxes. She appeared, taking in the boxes and not asking any questions. “I’m going to go, I’ll look through these today and let you know what I find. If the lawyers call again him them call me, okay?”

She nodded, “Thank you Adam.”

He gave a nod before walking out to his car. He grabbed the last box and said a quick goodbye. Once he was back in his car he sighed heavily, the a weight lifting off him. Being in the house felt like he was wearing a suit of armor- heavy and protective. He could take it off now but the feeling still lingered, the tension in his shoulders and the quickness of his breath. He was glad to be out of there. Driving away felt like freedom. 

He drove back to town, deciding to eat lunch before diving in. He went to the same restaurant Ronan had taken him, justifying it by telling himself it was the only decent place in town. He needed to go grocery shopping for supplies if he was staying a week but, for now, he just wanted someone to bring him hot food.

He order a beer and sat, looking around again. It was mostly empty, late for lunch and early for dinner. He had just ordered a sandwich when he heard yelling from the kitchen.

“Do you think this is fucking risotto?” Someone yelled. “No way in hell are you ruining my microgreens by putting them on top of this pile of shit!” 

Adam recognized the voice. A split second later Ronan appeared, pushing the kitchen doors open angirly.  He looked pissed, Adam could see that his jaw was set and eyes narrowed. The fact that it was over a risotto would have been funny if Ronan’s gaze hadn’t swung to him, switching abruptly from angry to comically large and surprised. 

Ronan was never one to try to make a situation less uncomfortable. He stalked over, glaring again. “What are you doing here Parrish? Come to yell at me more before you leave?”

Adam pinched his nose. “Not everything is about you Lynch.”

A small smirk escaped his lips before he scowled again. “No but most things are.”

“I just wanted some food. This place didn’t suck so I came here.”

Ronan looked proud, “Didn’t suck? High praise from a city boy.”

“Are you trying to start a fight?” Adam didn’t have the energy to trade quips with Ronan right now. He was still angry from yesterday and drained from visiting the house.

Ronan’s eyes softened marginally as he finally looked at Adam. “No.” He replied and Adam heard the honesty in his voice. He looked Adam over, probably seeing how tired he looked.  “Why are you still here?”

“Why do you care?” Adam snapped.

Surprisingly, Ronan didn’t rise to the bait. “Because we’re friends. Or we were.” He pulled up a chair and sat. “And you look like shit.” 

Adam laughed, the sound escaping his mouth before he could stop it. Even when Ronan was being an ass Adam still wanted him nearby. It was pitiful. Ronan shrugged and watched him, waiting for a reply. Adam debated, trying to decide if it was worth telling him or if he should just tell him to fuck off. 

He decided then to tell Ronan. He wanted to tell someone and Ronan would understand. No matter what they were now they had been friends for a long time. Adam decided, maybe stupidly, that that still meant something. 

“My mom needs help. Apparently my dad owed people money.” 

“No fucking surprise there. He was an all around shit head.” Ronan looked him over again. “So you’re staying?”

Adam nodded. “Just for a week. To help her. I’ve got three boxes of documents to go through.”

Ronan’s nose scrunched and Adam briefly thought about how cute it was. “That sounds fucking awful.”

“Everything about this town is awful.” 

Ronan laughed and nodded. “Can’t argue there.” He paused. “Do you want help?”

“With what?” Adam’s food came and he dug in, ignoring as Ronan stole some potato chips. 

“Looking through your dad’s shit.” 

Adam looked up at him, incredulous. “Are you offering?” He asked, his mouth full. 

Ronan laughed. “Jesus Parrish, you finally started eating enough and you lose all your manners.” Adam flushed slightly as Ronan smiled at him. “But yes, I am. I know how hard it has to be, to do all it alone.”

Adam weighed the pros and cons of having Ronan help. Pro, Ronan knew, he understood what Adam was doing. Adam wanted help, he wanted someone else there, both to help and for solidarity. And, if he was being honest with himself, part of him wanted a repeat of last night. Adam didn’t know what they were anymore- everything in their relationship was defined by what they had been. Former friends. Past lovers. But as he thought about it he knew that he didn’t want it to stay in the past. He wanted to find out what they could be in the future too. Which might be stupid and lead to another heartbreak but with Ronan he could never resist falling head first. 

So he nodded. “As long as you actually help.” 

“Scout’s honor.” Ronan said as his hand reached out to Adam’s chin, lightly wiping crumbs off his lips. Adam flushed as Ronan’s hand lingered and their eyes met. This was a bad plan. Ronan was one big con, Adam admitted to himself. It wouldn’t end well. But, like everything with Ronan, there was no stopping as he let himself be pulled into his force field. 

“Well, you know where I’m staying. I’ve got to get some groceries so stop by in a couple hours.”

Ronan nodded, sliding out of his seat. “I’ll be there.” He said, giving Adam a smile before he left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam let himself admit how much he wanted this, that he was still deeply in love with Ronan. He acknowledged it, let it live in him briefly, then locked it back up.

A little over an hour later Adam was sitting on the bed, starting to sort through everything in the boxes. He had stored his meager food supplies in the fridge or near it and was drinking one of the beers he bought. His dad’s financials were more of a mess than he had expected and it was slow going, trying to decide what was actually relevant. 

The door swung open and Ronan walked in, carrying a bag. “Don’t you knock?” Adam asked, looking up.

“It was unlocked.” Ronan shrugged unapologetically. He went to the fridge, unpacking the contents of the bag into it. “You eat like a child.” He commented, pulling out one of Adam’s lunchables.

“They’re cheap and filling. What did you bring?”

“Some actual adult food for later, if you want it.” Ronan bringing Adam food wasn’t lost on him. Ronan had a habit of trying to feed Adam without being obvious about it. The fact that Ronan was still doing it, after all these years, made him both happy and annoyed. 

Ronan grabbed one of Adam’s beer and sat on the bed, near Adam but not close enough that it was distracting. He knew that Ronan had carefully calculated his position for exactly that. 

“What can I do?” Ronan asked.

“I’m trying to sort out how much of this is even useful. A lot of it is just receipts for beer.” Adam said, holding up a fistful of paper. “Then I thought I’d organize it by year and try to figure out where the hell all the money went.” 

Ronan nodded, opening a box and starting to sort. “Your dad was a mess in more ways than I knew.” Ronan said twenty minutes later, pointing to a pile. “All of those are for gas. Who keeps gas receipts?” 

Adam shrugged. “Great question. He probably thought he was a genius for keeping them.” Looking through all of this was hard, an reminder of what Adam had lived. There were at least three times as many receipts for beer as anything else. Occasionally, he’d find one for a book that he needed for school- he assumed his dad was keeping tabs on what Adam owed him. 

The receipts piled up, mostly for small things- a meal here, or a pay per view there. Adam was no closer to understanding why the house was being seized. But, he realized, he also hadn’t seen any paystubs. He had never thought about how much his dad had made, assuming it was enough to keep them barely afloat. 

He kept feeling himself falling back into the memories of his dad, all the tells Adam had learned to read, the signs that he was close to flying off the handle. Every time Adam tottered near the edge Ronan seemed to sense it and would make a well timed joke, bringing him back to now. It was uncanny, how well Ronan could read him. How good he was at pulling him back.

An hour later he needed a break. He was no closer to understanding any of this and it was starting to irritate him. There were barely any receipts for the family- none for clothes for him or his mom, or for anything she needed. He had a pile of mortgage payments, the most recent of which was over five years old- which either meant the trailer was paid off and the lawyers were lying, or he had missed some documents. Hopefully his mom would know which was the case. 

He stood and stretched, hearing several cracks from his back. Ronan stared at him, looking disgusted. “You need a masseuse Parrish. Your youthful body shouldn’t sound like that.” Ronan had been quiet as they sorted, occasionally asking Adam a question but largely just being helpful. It was very un-Ronan like behavior but Adam was glad he was there, it was nice to have someone helping him, even if Adam’s eyes kept getting caught on Ronan’s forearms as his muscles tensed. 

“Har har.” Adam said watching as Ronan came and stood behind him, putting his hands on Adam’s shoulders and starting to knead. He jerked away, turning to face Ronan. “What are you doing?”

Ronan sighed, looking at Adam like he was an idiot. “Blue made me take a massage therapy class with her last year when I visited them. Let me help you. Otherwise, you’ll be the only 25 year old with a hunchback.” Ronan put things so casually it was easy to miss how nervous he was. Only his slightly knitted brows gave him away and Adam could see that he was worried about being rejected. 

Everything in Adam’s head screamed ‘No! This is a terrible idea!’ but he turned, letting Ronan put his hands on him.  Because Adam could never resist Ronan, and Ronan knew it. Because Adam wanted this as much as Ronan did. 

“You know that’s not how hunchbacks work, right?” He asked, tensing as Ronan’s hands started massaging. 

“Shut up, you know what I meant.” Ronan’s hands moved and Adam stifled a groan, he hadn't realized how sore he was. “Will you relax?” Ronan asked, squeezing a little harder to prove his point. 

“Probably not.” He replied honestly and Ronan snorted. 

Ronan’s hands moved to Adam’s neck, his thumbs running over the tense muscles. Both were silent, except for Adam’s small exhales when Ronan hit a painful spot. 

“This would be easier if you weren’t wearing a shirt.” Ronan told him as he started to move down his shoulder blades.

Adam turned and looked warily at Ronan, “That sounds like a bad idea.”

Ronan’s lips curled into a smile. “Maybe.” He shrugged in a way that suggested it was an innocent request but Adam knew it was anything but. “I’m just trying to help you relax.” 

And Adam couldn’t resist. The pull to Ronan was too strong. He wanted Ronan’s hands on him, even if it was only going to end in disaster. Adam knew that getting involved with Ronan was never easy and always messy, it was who Ronan was. He didn’t do anything half assed.  So if Adam agreed to this he knew what it meant. It meant that things weren’t over, that last night hadn’t been a one off of old partners getting something out from their system. It was more. 

And, in his way, Ronan was asking if Adam wanted that. Adam knew that Ronan offering to touch him was his way of saying that he wanted this but he wouldn’t do anything more without Adam’s go ahead. The delicate push and pull of Ronan had taken Adam years to learn but now it felt like a familiar dance, one Adam hadn’t performed in a long time but he knew all the steps to. 

So Adam pulled off his shirt, trying to maintain eye contact with Ronan. He watched as Ronan’s eyes darkened and felt a familiar twitch in his pants. No one else ever made him feel like that. Like everything was stripped away and Adam was his raw self. He couldn’t hide anything from Ronan, even if he tried. 

Which meant that Ronan probably knew exactly what Adam was thinking now, which was ‘what does this mean?’ and ‘did he bring lube?’ 

Of course, Ronan didn’t answer either of those questions. Instead he jerked his head to the bed. “Lie down.” He directed Adam as he cleared off a space. 

Adam laid down on his stomach, feeling Ronan crawl on top of him, sitting on his lower back. He tried to relax but couldn’t as he felt Ronan’s hands moving over him, firm but careful. Ronan was surprisingly confident as he touched Adam, seeming to know how to work out his knots and where to pay extra attention. His hands slid across Adam’s back, working on his knots and sometimes just running over his skin. Adam wanted to text Blue and thank her for making Ronan attend the class. He wouldn’t of course, because then she would ask why he knew about the massage class and that was not a conversation he wanted to have. 

He focused on Ronan’s hands moving over him, slowly getting lower. Adam knew that Ronan was taking his time, teasing Adam as his fingertips grazed his sides and the top of his pants. At one point his fingers dipped down, almost into the hollow of his hips and he had to bite back a groan, wanting Ronan to continue his slow descent. 

He didn’t know where Ronan planned to stop but he was incredibly hard, his erection was pushing into the mattress uncomfortably. He didn’t know how to adjust it without being obvious. He knew he should be embarrassed that he was like this from a simple massage but nothing with Ronan was ever simple. Adam knew that better than anyone. Ronan putting his hands on Adam meant something. 

“Do you want to flip over?” Ronan asked, his voice low. His hands were on Adam’s hips, holding them and Adam wished that Ronan would pull them up, would push his hips into Adam’s ass. He craved the contact.

He did not want to flip over since he didn’t know if Ronan was similarly affected. So he shook his head, not really trusting his voice.

Ronan laughed. Then he leaned down and whispered in Adam’s ear, “I can’t finish you like this.” His voice was low and warm in Adam’s ear. 

That was all he needed for confirmation. Adam flipped over, managing to stay under Ronan. As he did he saw, with some satisfaction, that Ronan’s pants were tight too. 

Adam’s eyes lingered on Ronan’s crotch before looking into his eyes. “You can finish me now.” He said, surprised how husky his voice was.

“Fuck Parrish, you’ll kill me, talking like that.” Ronan said before leaning down and capturing Adam’s lips in a bruising kiss. Adam eagerly opened his mouth, letting Ronan’s tongue dance against his. He arched into Ronan, trying to get as much contact as he could. Their clothed erections rubbed together and Adam groaned into Ronan’s mouth.

Ronan wasted no time undoing their pants and grabbing both of their erections with one hand. He started to stroke and Adam had to break the kiss, needing more air in his lungs. 

“God, Ronan.” He gasped, his voice nearly breaking at the feeling. His hands scratched Ronan’s back, trying to pull him closer. Ronan’s hands moved over them and Adam looked down, watching with unabashed interest. The scene was erotic. Ronan’s large hand moved on him. His hard cock next to Adam’s was enough to make his breath speed up. He loved how they looked together, Adam slightly longer, Ronan thicker, both upright and dripping precum. 

“Like what you see?” Ronan asked, leaning their foreheads together and looking himself. 

Adam swallowed thickly and nodded, keening as Ronan’s thumb swiped over his slit. Adam kissed Ronan again, messily and urgently. Part of him worried that every time he kissed Ronan it would be the last time. That these touches were on borrowed time until Ronan unilaterally decided that this wasn’t a good idea. He tried to push the thought from his mind but knew that the desperation in his kiss was probably obvious. Or would have been if Ronan wasn’t kissing him with equal intensity and desperation. Adam felt like he had been asleep and Ronan was waking him up, forcing him to finally see what was happening in front of him. 

Ronan’s hand sped up and Adam gasped as he came, white liquid shooting over their hips and Ronan’s hand. Ronan wasn’t far behind, grunting into Adam’s mouth as he orgasmed. He continued kissing Adam, lazily stroking them a few more times as they both relaxed. 

Ronan propped himself up, looking down at Adam with a surprising amount of tenderness. He gave him a quick peck and stood, peeling off his clothes and going into the bathroom. He returned again, cleaning himself up then Adam, who also pulled off his clothes.

Then Ronan stood, looking uncertain about what to do next. “Lay down with me.” Adam asked, moving the rest of the papers to the floor. Ronan hesitated a beat then obliged, laying next to but not touching Adam. 

Adam flipped on his side to look at Ronan. Really look at him. At his chest rising and falling, his tense hands, his questioning eyes. Adam could feel Ronan doing the same, both drinking in the details of the person next to them. 

Adam let himself admit how much he wanted this, that he was still deeply in love with Ronan. He acknowledged it, let it live in him briefly, then locked it back up. He couldn’t do that to himself. He was leaving in a few days. He couldn’t have this for any longer than that, no matter how much he wanted it.  He resolved that he wouldn’t say anything, wouldn’t tell Ronan how he felt. They didn't need to talk about it, both knew that this was a temporary thing. 

Ronan, who had no such inner voice, looked at Adam and asked, “What are we doing Parrish?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta love no chill Ronan over here. 
> 
> Thought I put my tumblr on here but I guess not- [tinyarmedtrex](https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You loved me? Past tense?”
> 
> Ronan let out a gruff laugh. “That’s your take away?” Adam nodded. “I don’t know Parrish. I don’t know who you are anymore. You have a cat, you’re a different person.”

Adam drew back, surprised. “What are we doing? Why the hell are you asking me?”

“Thought you might know,” He replied nonchalantly. 

Adam laughed, the sound bitter in his throat. “Fuck Lynch, I don’t know any more than you do.” He sat up and so did Ronan, both watching each other warily. Adam had hoped Ronan would speak but of course now was when he choose to shut up. He had always been good at silence, at waiting people out until they spoke. Ronan could live in an uncomfortable silence. 

Adam sighed. “I don’t know what we’re doing. I don’t know why we ever stopped doing this. You’re the one who broke up with me, remember? I didn’t get a say.” His voice was harsh and he didn’t care. He was angry about this, and that Ronan was ruining this new good thing by making them talk about it. 

Ronan stood, pacing the room. This time Adam was determined to wait him out. He did this for several minutes before finally saying, “You’re making it sound like I wanted to break up with you.” This wasn’t what Adam expected to hear. 

“You didn’t?” He asked, incredibly skeptical.

Ronan stopped, looking at Adam like he was an idiot. “Fuck no. I loved you.” He stopped and Adam gestured for him to continue. He needed to hear all of this. “I loved you.” Ronan repeated, starting to pace again. “But, fuck, look at what you did without me. I couldn’t hold you back. What were you going to do? Give up your plans and move to the farm with me? What a fucking pipe dream.” Ronan looked at him again, raw emotion on his face. This was as close to baring his soul as Ronan would ever get and Adam knew it. He also knew that it was the truth, Ronan would be the type of person to break up with someone because it thought it was the right thing to do. The sanctimonious idiot. 

“Loved?” He asked, his voice rough as he looked at Ronan. Ronan tilted his head, confused, and Adam cleared his throat. “You loved me? Past tense?” 

Ronan let out a gruff laugh. “That’s your take away?” Adam nodded. “I don’t know Parrish. I don’t know who you are anymore. You have a cat, you’re a different person.” 

Adam laughed and Ronan smiled, happy his joke had landed. He exhaled, looking at Ronan. Even now it was hard for Adam not to reach out and touch him, to run his hands over Ronan’s chest and pull him back into bed. This revelation he had been waiting years for and Adam’s first response had been to wonder if Ronan still loved him. That was his own fault but it didn't’ make him feel any better.

He felt a wave of annoyance roll over him. It crashed and he was angry again. It was such a Lynch thing to push away the thing he loved. He had set Adam free, trying to give him what he thought was best. But it wasn’t his decision. 

“You shouldn’t have done that.” Adam said. “It wasn’t up to just you. I loved you too. And you decided that I was better off without you. It’s bullshit. You didn't even talk to me about it. You just got it in your head that this was the best option and you fucking went for it.” 

Ronan clearly hadn’t expected this reaction. His eyebrows went up and he held his hands out. “If I had asked you you wouldn’t have let me break up with you.”

“Hell no I wouldn’t have!” Adam practically screamed, pissed. “I loved you and you loved me you dumbass. We would have worked it out!”

Ronan’s jaw set and he shook his head tersely. “No, you would have stayed for me. And resented me, eventually. No fucking way. I couldn’t let you do that.” 

“You could have let me have a say!” Adam said, starting to feel like he was arguing with a crazy person. Ronan thought he had done what was best and he had ruined them. He wanted to pound on the bed but knew it was childish. “You fucking decided without me. That’s not how relationships work! That wasn’t how we worked!” He was being irrational and Ronan reacted exactly how Adam knew he would. He shut himself down. His eyes went cold and he crossed his arms. Adam knew the look well. Ronan didn’t want to talk anymore so he wouldn’t. Adam wouldn’t get anything else out of him. 

“Just leave.” He was too tired to deal with Ronan’s shit anymore. “Fucking leave.” 

Ronan got dressed without another word, leaving Adam on the bed and pissed, again. He wasn’t surprised by Ronan’s reasoning but he had hoped, maybe stupidly, that after all this time Ronan would admit he was wrong. Instead he had doubled down, acting like Adam was the wrong one. 

Adam had two impossible situations to deal with and he didn’t know how to handle either of them. He needed to do something to take his mind off Ronan and his mom. He looked up the local movie times and decided to take himself to an action movie. 

It had been a long time since Adam had gone to the movies. Partially because it was still an extravagance to him. His parents hadn't had the money - or interest- to take him so he never went with them. And once he start earning his own money all of it went to bills and loans. He was more than happy to wait and watch a movie on netflix or amazon, not seeing the point of paying to watch a movie with strangers. But now that was exactly what he wanted. 

So he took himself to the movies, buying a large popcorn, candy and soda just for him. It felt completely over the top and, even though the movie wasn’t all that good, it made Adam feel better. He made a mental note to do things for himself sometimes. His friends were always telling him to but Adam never listened. Maybe he was finally starting to see the value in it.

He left the movie theatre feeling better. Nothing had changed but he felt like he could handle at least one of his problems. He decided to tackle more of his mom’s financial issues. There was probably a solution there whereas, with him and Ronan, Adam was less sure that things could be fixed. 

He went to the bank. It was one of the few times that he was grateful for the small town morals. Once he told them whose son he was they were more than happy to discuss financials with him, even commenting how nice it was to see a young man helping his mother. Looking at more recent bank statements confirmed what Adam had been worried about. His mom had no money. She was broke and it was his dad’s fault. It was there in black and white. His dad had been taking out large amounts of cash every two weeks. He didn’t know where the money had gone but he had a pretty good guess that he wasn’t supplying a local shelter with blankets.

Looking at the finances Adam started to worry for the first time. His mom was absolutely going to lose the house. There was no question about it. It was a miracle they hadn’t lost it years ago. As he left the bank he asked how much longer his mom had. He got a pair of sad eyes and the answer ‘less than two months’. 

Adam left the bank, trying to think through his options. He had some money saved up, not a lot but he could probably help his mom for a few months. She’d hate it and it was only a band aid solution. In the long term she needed something better. Losing the house would break her, it was a shithole but it was hers- it was the only thing she had. He had to find a way to help her keep it.

He drove back to his hotel, calling her on the way. As loath as he was to discuss this they needed to. She had been kept in the dark for too long. Adam refused to treat her like his dad had for years. 

“Adam,” She answered breathlessly. “Did you figure it out?” It briefly annoyed him, how she expected him to swoop in and save her. It wasn’t his job or his doing that had gotten them into this. But saying that now wouldn’t help. 

He sighed, swallowing the sharp response that was on the tip of his tongue. “Yes, but you won’t like it.” He explained what he had found at the bank. “I can help you for a few months-”

“I can’t take your money.” She interrupted.

“Or you could move to an apartment.”

“I can’t leave the house, it’s all I have.”

“You could take in a tenant?” He wasn’t sure who would want to live there but someone may.

She made a disgusted sound. “A stranger? Adam I couldn’t.”

He pulled into the parking lot and parked, closing his eyes. He had known that this wouldn’t be easy but it was driving him crazy. This conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Adam wanted to shake her, to make her understand the situation. “I don’t know what to tell you then. You have bills that are piling up. I can’t make them disappear.”

She was quiet on the other end. Adam suspected that she knew he was right, even if she didn’t like it. “I’ll sell the China.” She finally said.

“That China isn’t even worth 100 Mom, you need several thousand.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Let me lend you the money.”

“Adam no!” Her voice got stronger then softer. “I know that I haven’t been the best mother, I wasn’t there for you like I should have been. And I have to live with that.” The emotion in her voice was clear. He knew that this was her way of apologizing for his childhood. “But I love you, you’re my son. And I can’t take your money. I can’t ask you to do that. I won’t.”

He had never admired his mom more than he did in that moment. The fierceness in her voice impressed him. “What are you going to do?’ 

“That’s for me to worry about.” She said. Then, “Won’t you please come for dinner tomorrow? Let me thank you for this, and we can spend some time together before you leave. I’ll make your favorite.” 

“You don’t have to.” He wondered what she thought his favorite was. Hamburger helper? Canned soup?

“I want to, say you’ll come Adam.”

What else was there to say? “I’ll come.” 

They hung up and Adam started up the car again. He had made progress on one problem, not towards a solution necessarily but towards his mom becoming independent. That was something.

He was going to tackle the other problem now. He couldn’t leave here and not talk to Ronan again for five years. He drove out to Ronan’s farm, nearly turning around several times. When he got there he smiled, it was exactly how he remembered it. Slightly worn but inviting. He walked up to the front door, somehow not surprised when it swung open before he knocked.

“Didn’t think I’d see you again.” Ronan said, standing in the doorway.

“Don’t think this means that I’m not pissed at you.” Adam said, crossing his arms. 

Ronan nodded. “Wouldn’t expect anything less.” He gestured, “Want to come in?” 

Adam walked past Ronan and into the house. This was different than he had remembered. Ronan had painted and updated the house in an almost contemporary gothic style. It was surprisingly nice and Adam said so.

“Got to fit some gay stereotype.” Ronan said, watching Adam as he wandered around. 

The first thing Adam noticed was the pictures. Ronan’s family, including Delcan, were in several, but what surprised him was the others. There were a lot of them, Blue, Gansey, Noah, Henry and even Adam. He picked up one from graduation. Ronan’s arm was wrapped around his waist and h was actually smiling at Adam, who was laughing at something Blue said.

“I was serious.” Ronan said, taking the photo and putting it back. He was standing too close to Adam but neither moved. “I couldn’t live with myself if I held you back. I’d hate myself for it.”

Adam knew that it was the closest he’d get to an apology. And he knew what it took for Ronan to say it. “What about how I felt?” Adam asked, taking a half step towards Ronan. 

“I thought you’d get over me. What I am worth?” 

Adam’s hand went up to Ronan’s cheek, fingertips grazing his skin. “So much Ronan, you’ve always been worth so much.” 

Ronan leaned into the touch, eyes still watching Adam like he might bolt at any second. They stood like that for a minute, not talking. Adam wanted to fall into Ronan, to give himself to him completely, but he couldn’t, he needed Ronan to take the next step. They were adults now, Adam couldn’t be the only one in this relationship. 

Ronan’s hand went to Adam’s neck, just resting there for a minute. Then he leaned in, putting their foreheads together. “I missed you.” Ronan told him, their breaths mixing. 

“I missed you too.” Adam confessed. “What now?” 

Ronan kissed him, gentle and warm. “I don’t know.” It felt like the story of their lives, both wanting to be with the other but neither quite willing to admit it.

“I’m leaving soon.” Adam said.

“I know.” 

Adam pulled back. He didn’t know if Ronan would ever give him what he wanted, all of himself without his armor. “Call me.” He said, forcing himself to put the ball in Ronan’s court.

He kissed Adam again and Adam left, driving back to the shitty hotel, knowing that it was unlikely that Ronan would ever call. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update took forever- and it's not even really an update. I deleted and rewrote this chapter. I wasn't happy with it (and I don't think you were either). But the good news is I like this chap more- and I have the last one written so this fic will be finished. If you're still here, thanks.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why aren’t you happy?” Ronan asked, genuinely interested.
> 
> “I’m still hung up on my first boyfriend. He’s kinda an asshole. Well, he totally an asshole. But I loved him. And he’s still looking out for me, after all these years.” Adam didn’t need a relationship to make him happy but he did need Ronan. It had taken him a long time to realize that and he wasn’t entirely happy about it.

Adam was leaving the next day. He hadn’t called Ronan, or seen him lurking around the hotel room. He had half expected it, knowing Ronan like he did but Ronan seemed to be respecting what he had said. He hated leaving things like this but he had said everything that he needed to. As much as he hated it, it was up to Ronan now. 

Adam put on the nicest outfit he had brought to see his mom. She deserved it. He arrived at 5, as requested, and she gave him a worn smile. “I got some wine. I don’t know anything  about if so I just picked the one with the best picture.” She let out a small laugh and Adam wondered if she had ever been able to enjoy wine without worrying about his dad and how he would react, “I hope you like red.”

He stepped inside, sliding off his shoes. “I do. You didn’t have to do that.” He had offered to bring something and was absolutely forbidden. To his surprise the house smelled amazing. She had never tried growing, probably because his dad only liked the basics. There was no reason for her to try. “What did you make?” He asked, following her to the small kitchen.

“Nothing exciting. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.” She said pouring both some wine. “To us,” She said, handing him a glass and holding hers up. “To new starts.” 

He clinked with her then asked, “What are you going to do mom?” He sat on a barstool, watching her bustle around the kitchen. He knew she didn’t want to talk about this but he had to ask. He had to know if she was going to be okay. 

“I don’t want to talk about that tonight. Let’s talk about you. You’re always to tight lipped on the phone, tell me about your life. How’s work? Do you have a special someone?”

He chuckled. He couldn’t remember his mom ever asking him so many questions. He told her about his job, and his cat and she listened. She didn’t really understand what he did but she tried, she asked questions. It was the longest the two of them had ever talked and it was strange, Adam’s mom had always just been there but he had very few memories of her that didn’t include his dad. But now, he could see some traits that he inherited from her. They both paused for a split second before laughing, they shared the same small smile and faraway look. Those could be from surviving the same abuse but Adam wanted to think that it was more than that. 

“Can I get you more?” She asked him at the end of the meal. 

He leaned back, “I’m stuffed. Thank you. It was amazing.” And it was, it was the perfect home cooked meal that he never got at home or growing up. He wondered where this mom was when he was a kid. But he knew, of course he did. She was trying to hide, just like him. 

He stood, clearing the dishes. “You’ve got to at least let me wash the dishes.” He said as she protested.

She let out a light laugh, “Well someone raised you right.” She said, following him to the kitchen and pouring them the last of the wine. 

He turned and gave her a small smile, “Someone did.” He agreed. 

Her eyes went soft and her hand came up to touch Adam’s cheek. He flinched back instinctively and she bit her bottom lip. “Adam-”

He shook his head, knowing what she wanted to say. He didn’t want to hear it. “Don’t, please. We’re having a good time.”

She nodded reluctantly and he smiled. “Tell me more about this movie that you saw then.” She asked, sitting down. Adam started telling her the convoluted plot, explaining it as best he could. 

As he said goodbye he knew that this would always be the best memory he had of his mom. They were unlikely to ever be close but Adam could handle nights like this, occasionally. They both deserved it. 

He went back to his hotel room, falling asleep soon after. He flew back to DC early the next day. His apartment was just as he left it, sparse and practical. He suddenly wished he had more things of his up, more posters to decorate the walls. He never saw the point before, living here felt temporary but he had been here almost two years. He resolved to buy some art. 

“Hey Chester,” He said as his cat started purring and rubbing against him. The neighbor had been feeding him while Adam was gone but it seemed like he was missed. It made him happy. “Should we get some groceries?” The cat meowed in agreement. 

Adam’s life fell back into it’s routine, with a few small changes. He bought some art and hung it up, paintings of landscapes that reminded him of a magical forest. 

And he started to call his mom once a week. The conversations weren’t long but he could tell she appreciated them. Once day, she surprised him by saying, “I got a job yesterday.” She had been vague about her plans to pay for the house, changing the subject whenever he asked.

‘That’s great!” He said, meaning it  “Doing what?”

“Helping out at that little restaurant you took me to, I’ll be chopping vegetables and prepping food.”

To say he was shocked would have been an understatement. “How?” He finally asked. “How did you get it?”

“Well, I was going around town and looking for work and I popped in there for lunch. And your friend was there, that angry looking boy, and he asked about the house. I didn’t know you had told him Adam. I explained and he offered me a job right there! I start tomorrow.”

Adam couldn’t decide what old god he had pissed off, to have his ex and mother working together. This felt like a cosmic joke. But she was so happy that he couldn’t say anything but, “That’s great mom.”

“Oh, he asked about you too.” She added, almost absentmindedly. 

“What did he ask?” Adam was gripping the phone harder that he had to, hanging on her every word.

“He asked if you were still seeing that boy. And how you were. I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!” 

“I’m not.” He had broken it off when he came home, he wasn’t the person he wanted and Adam didn’t want to pretend that he was. The person he wanted hadn’t called him since Adam returned to DC, something he was trying to ignore. 

She hummed. “Well he’ll be happy to hear that. He’s very handsome Adam, even if he is always scowling.”

Adam made a note to tell Blue that, she’d get a kick out of it. 

“I’ve got to go.” He said and said his goodbyes.

Going to his room he fell on the bed, his finger hovering over Ronan’s number. He didn’t dial it. He couldn’t. He needed Ronan to come to him.

It was to his shock when, nearly an hour later, his phone rang. He picked up it. “Hello?”

Ronan’s rough voice came through. “Parrish.” 

“You hate the phone.” he said, stupidly. 

“You told me to call you.” 

Adam laughed slightly. It was so like Ronan to ignore the passing of time and act like they had talked yesterday. “A month ago.”

“I didn’t have a reason, until now.” 

Adam nodded, aware Ronan couldn’t see him. “You gave my mom a job.” 

“I did.” 

“Why?”

Ronan was quiet for a minute. “She needed one. And I needed a sous chef.” 

“You want to work with my mom?” He asked.

“I want you to be happy.”

Adam hated Ronan’s honesty then. Because, for him, it was that simple. Ronan knew, even without talking to Adam, that he would be stressed about his mom. So he had fixed it in a Ronan way. 

“Thank you.” He said, because he didn’t know what else to say. 

“Don’t mention it. I’ll fire her if she can’t keep up.” 

Adam snorted and heard Ronan chuckle too. They were both silent, not uncomfortably so. “I’m not happy.” Adam finally said. It was his own version of a confession. He didn’t know he was going to say it until it came out. “Not really. I’m more, happy adjacent.” 

“Maybe you need another cat.” 

Adam laughed. “I don’t think Chester would like that.”

“Why aren’t you happy?” Ronan asked, genuinely interested.

“I’m still hung up on my first boyfriend. He’s kinda an asshole. Well, he totally an asshole. But I loved him. And he’s still looking out for me, after all these years.” Adam didn’t need a relationship to make him happy but he did need Ronan. It had taken him a long time to realize that and he wasn’t entirely happy about it. 

“A total asshole, hm?”

“The biggest.” 

Ronan scoffed. “You could probably do better.”

“Maybe. But I don’t want to. I want this asshole. He’s mine.” 

“Oh,” Was all Ronan said. 

Adam waited but he didn’t speak again. “This is when you say something.” Adam told him.

“I was thinking of visiting DC next month.” Ronan told him. “Any ideas where I could stay?” 

Adam smiled. “I might know a place- but there is a cat there.”

“I hate cats.” 

“You’ll like this one.” 

“I’ll try.” Ronan said and Adam knew that he really would. He also knew that Ronan coming to DC and trying to get along with Chester was his way of saying he loved Adam, that he wanted this to work. Ronan hated the hustle of the city, the noises and the traffic. But he was coming here, for Adam. It made him slightly flush to think of Ronan in his apartment, just the two of them, for several days. 

“I have one condition.” Ronan said. 

“What’s that?”

“I’m doing all the cooking.” 

Adam laughed in earnest now. “Deal.”

Adam didn’t know if they’d work out, maybe they’d be struck in this loop for forever, but right now it felt like enough that both of them wanted to try. It was more than Adam had expected from Ronan, from either of them. He was willing to try this, for both of them. 

**Author's Note:**

> There is a crack, a crack in everything That’s how the light gets in.- Leonard Cohen 
> 
> Come talk on [tumblr](https://tinyarmedtrex.tumblr.com/) if you're interested.


End file.
